Being away at school has its ups, but recently I have been confronted with the downs. Ten weeks away from home is a lot of time for things to change. My normal routine upon pulling into the drive way is to run to the field and great the horses that I have been missing terribly. But this time while yelling their names and whistling, there is something different. Bonnie doesn't follow Shouki out of the barn, this time it is a different face I see. I stop and spin in the same motion, and there is my father with a sad but hopeful look upon his face. "I have some unfortunate news." he says "We had to put Bonnie down. She didn't suffer." I sighed in relief, but then he proceeds to tell me what the last few days of her life were like... and that was proof she did in fact suffer.
I climb through the fence to love on Shouki but this new horse "Kid" is dancing about, unsure how to act around me. Shouki on the other hand won't have anything to do with me. I stand facing him, bawling... "Come on Shouki." I plead. "I am sorry, I know you are hurting too."
He finally stops to let me walk up to him. I wrap my arms around his neck and cry into his mane.With that out of my system I proceed to great the other animals that I have also missed. One, two... where is the third cat? Where is my Ember... turning to my father again, this time he isn't so hopeful. He informs me that Ember went missing about two months ago... he thinks that someone stop at the abandoned gas station, that is near the edge of our property, and Ember greeted them and they were so taken with how affectionate she was and just took her home.
This time I cannot control my tears, I have to sit down. Just when all I wanted to do was pick Ember up and cuddle while grieving the passing of a beautiful horse and friend, I can't.
Why? I have asked myself every ten minutes since I have been home... which is now just over 24 hours.
I mean, I understand that Bonnie had lived a rough but for the most part a good life and that it was time for her to move on. But why the little rascal that always puts a smile on my face. Why the cat that I brought back with me from Savannah?
A week or so before coming home I had told one of my roommates that I would be devastated if something were to happen to Ember.
I miss both of those girls very much... words can't truly describe the pain and longing to be able to see them at least one more time.
I know that without death or loss one can't really appreciate the good... but why now? Why the year my sister graduates? Why?
I have felt so lost, now with this I don't know where to go from here. What makes it all worth it? I don't know who I am or who I want to be... All I wanted was to come home, not even home, come back to them.
Just as I am starting to accept their passing just a little, I find a baby rabbit. But the tail has been chewed... I don't have the heart to leave it there for a cat or other animal to get it. So I pick it up, with gloves on, but my sister proceeds to tell me I am cruel. She thinks that I should leave it there for "nature" to takes it course.
I don't... I walk around searching to the barrow... with no luck I place it inside a bramble patch.
Am I cruel? Why couldn't I just walk by? Who am I? What makes life worth living if we can't change the course once in a while?
All I know at this moment in time, is that my heart hurts and it feels like I can't catch a break.
